Theory test destruction

So the theory test didn’t go too well. I failed. In fact I got zero. A kind friend pointed that out to me when I was at my lowest.

But I feel I have to explain that it wasn’t my fault. I explained to the lady in my driving school that I needed it on a Saturday in about four-six weeks. So when a letter came through the door with a late twenties date on it I assumed that it was for the last Saturday of July.

Unfortunately I wasn’t free on the last Saturday of July so had to phone up to re-arrange….

“Hello, I would like to rearrange my theory test, my name is Andrew Webster”

“You can’t rearrange your test if it started 15 minutes ago, can you check the date for me

"...Bugger"

Even if it wasn't completely my fault, the stats speak for themselves. I’ve got a failed theory test next to my name. Embarrassing.

My diabolical driving….

…is getting better I think. Two lessons this weekend and apart from overshooting a junction forcing John to slam on the emergency brake and give me an almighty (verbal) lashing, I wasn’t at all bad.

Third gear is somewhat of a sweet spot these days (I’ve stopped looking down at the gear stick when I move it into third) and it takes more than moving off at a traffic light to fluster me.

I think I have come through the learner driver pain barrier. My lesson last week was so awful I could feel my bottom lip starting to quiver as I got out the car. It was a bit like when I was substituted / made a substitute for my junior football team. Complete inadequacy. But today I slammed the car door with a radiant smile.

Manoeuvre madness

I’ve been doing the three point turn, parallel park and reverse around a corner manoeuvres all weekend.

The parallel park is a risky one because it involves a stranger’s car. I was actually midway through my first attempt, reving and jolting all over the place, when the owner came back to his stationary car. It was obvious it was him. As soon as he saw what was going on, he started to jog towards his car. Needless to say we abandoned that attempt.

But it was the reverse around a corner manoeuvre that really confused me.

“What I want you to do Andrew is drive up to the turning on the left, indicate as if you are going to turn down it, and then just carry on driving past it. Once you’re 10 metres past the turning, stop and reverse backwards around the corner.”

“OK…But when would I need to do that John?”

“When you do your test.”

“Well can’t I just turn left instead of driving past the turning? Wouldn’t that be easier?”

“NO!”

So raise a glass to progress. Now where is that porno for the tube journey to work tomorrow? Theory test soon.

Something to hide

People on the tube thought I was concealing a porno today. They thought I was concealing a pornographic magazine during the rush hour. The truth though was far more demeaning. I was actually concealing the Highway Code.

You see I am having to revise for my theory test. I am essentially taking an exam that you are deemed as ready to take when you are 17. I’m thinking GCSEs here.

And yes, the thought has crossed my mind, 'what if I fail?' I remember when I was at school and a friend failed it. He was so embarrassed. Say I do the same but as someone hanging on to my mid-twenties? That can’t happen.

I am therefore revising as hard as I can to pass this test and save a little face. If that means that people on the tube think I am concealing a porno then so be it.

Road rage

Amber. Red. Shit.

It was in my fourth driving lesson I found myself at the front of a queue at a red traffic light on a slight hill.

It was one of those situations where you know something bad is going to happen, but you are defenceless to do anything about it. You just have to sit and wait. It was like that time I burnt out the centre of our garden and just had to wait for my parents to come home and discover it.

Green! GO, GO, GO! Accelerator down violently, foot straight off the clutch and…stall.

This is when the beeping started - a line of angry London motorists being held up by a 26-year-old learner driver. And to make it worse, as I reset the engine and re-applied the handbrake, the lights turned to red once more.

But John wasn’t going to stand for that sort of aggression. The window came down, he turned his head and with two fingers raised firmly in the air started to shout a barrage of abuse, the words of which I couldn't quite catch.

I think that angered them more though because for the next minute the beeping didn’t stop.

But that didn't intimidate John. He just turned to me and calmly said: “Don’t worry. Make the bastards wait.”

You can imagine the panic I was in now. To keep a line of angry traffic waiting at a traffic light twice would be seriously bad news. With my hands shaking and beads of sweat dripping off my brow, I slowly moved away.

It had been playing on my mind

It was lesson three I asked the question. It had been on my mind for a while, but I just hadn’t dared to ask. But lesson three I decided I had too.

“John, you know I have to look in the mirrors every time I slow down or turn, or anything really?”

“Yes (grabs wheel, still haven’t got the hang of talking and steering at the same time)”

“Well what am I looking for exactly?”

“What do you mean what are you looking for?”

He had clearly never been asked this bizarre question before.

“Well when I go up to a speed bump or turn left, it doesn’t matter if I see a car behind me or not, I just do the same thing.”

“Andrew! You just keep looking in the mirrors, OK?”

“OK. Thanks John”

There was some justification after that, but the message was clear. Look in the mirrors.

Driving is about new experiences
Lesson three provided another first. I was driving down a busier road (as in it had other cars) and John, out of no where, said “clutch down, and third hear.”

I admit, I panicked a bit. It wasn’t what I would call a smooth transition. GRHREIHDFFGIHB, and there she is. Third gear. Thirty miles an hour. Hands in the ten to two position. It doesn’t get much more exhilarating than that.